selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish
it sickens me.. so damn much
and i pray you don’t make it far
because youre fucking brainwashed into everything you used to hate
grow up and stop chasing drama
ok so, i just found out this aunt of mine is my god mother. surpriseee. my father hasnt spoken to his sister in years and is going to see her this sunday.. weird things are happening. i really hope my dad doesn’t get in a fight with her or anything. this is all really weird. i met my dads brother and his children a few years ago for the first time, but they are all older than me and don’t really keep in touch. my aunt has never been in the picture and i don’t believe she has kids or anything like that. me and my sister are getting together with my dad this weekend to talk aboubt this whole thing… i really hope something works out. just hearing about this stuff got a little life in me, so i’m hoping it wasnt all for nothing.
ive been really emotional today, i have no idea why. i got really upset after giving my sister a ride and saying no to one of her friends because he wanted me to drive him somewhere. i told her no and told her that i felt like he was taking advantage of me because he knows i don’t like saying no. i cried on the way home, because i’m a freak. I miss being around people, but the more i’m around other people the more i realize that i have no idea how to act around them. i’ve been coming off as a real bitch lately simply because i’m learning to speak up for myself but its so hard to do. i don’t know. i still miss skylar, bu nothings getting solved. i texted him to see when our whole talk thing was gonna happen but he didn’t answer.. i should know by now that i’m nothing to him anymore. he’s shown me that.. it just blows my mind because he always seemed like he cared so much, but at the slightest change, hes gone. i guess its what i get for having one friend, i should know better. i don’t really have anyone to hang out with or invite over. my dad told me i better start picking up my guitar again soon, i’ve been so unmotivated with music. i miss being able to write and actually think its good. reading stuff i used to write makes me so upset because i used to do it so often, i dont write at all now. i think its because i’m losing sight of beauty lately, ive got to find it again. bought my mom a new knife set today with darcie for mothers day/ her birthday. i like buying her things, i bought her a new brita pitcher not to long ago. living on 800 bucks a month requires her to literally only spend money on food and bills. so i have no problem giving her something once in a while, it makes her so happy. i’ve been watching tv lately and its very unlike me.. but i have no other way to occupy my time. i mean i do but, i dont know. there is no excuse but its just.. blah. i need to learn how to appreciate things again. i started smoking again, but not even that has brought me that much happiness, i mean i laugh at myself more when i smoke but its not so fun when youre alone. bonding with my cats too lately, how exciting.. its better than nothing. still can’t find another job that i can work in the evening. i’m going to see neon indian and ducktails and lemonade on the 12th with my friend nick. well, hes meeting me in there because he works until 8. blahhhhhhhhhhh. my mom wants me to start going back to kathleen my therapist, but i told her that i feel like its pointless because i feel like i have nothing really to say when i go, i just repeat myself all the time and i hate that. my dad was in the hospital for a few days because he had a blood clot in his leg and a piece went through into his lung, which is scary. they found little things in his lungs but they dont know what exactly it is yet. hes out of the hospital now though, hes doing okay. i heard darcie talking to him about me and i heard them mention skylar too, kinda made me upset. i just wish no one would ever mention his name because every time someone does i get upset and wanna jump off a building. but, of course i miss him. not that it matters.
my mom and my sister have been screaming a lot at each other lately, my sister wants to move out. my mom said she cant handle her anymore, kind of told to find somewhere to live.. but we all know she doesnt mean that too seriously. my mom cant let go of us. ive saved up almost a thousand bucks, i don’t know for what. i’m just kind packin away until i can make something happen. i’m gonna start trying to ride my bike everyday for atleast 3 miles. i did today and it felt kind of nice to sweat and work again. i was thinking about starting to run again, but i’m not sure.. though i love the feeling, i’m still not motivated enough, but i think i’m getting there slowly. also want to start to drink water more, get my body a little healthier. its hard trying to change my diet when i’m so scared of gaining anymore weight. though i know i don’t weight a lot, i see the difference. and my clothes don’t really fit like they used to and its bothering me a lot. i’m at the average weight for a 5’6” female, but i feel gross. maybe its because i’m just used to having such a fit body from being in sports my whole life and now i’m not very active.. i don’t know but yeah
the sqeak of the couch
the only constant in my life
the warmth of my blanket
just my toes peeking out for air
air
i need air
air to fill my lungs
to give me life again
to make me want
to be filled with anything but air
what do i even mean
i dont think anyone understands how hard it is for me to talk to people.. well keep conversations going with people
biked three miles today and went to the arboretum, it was pretty nice out. time for nuts a dexter, yah.
one thing i hate, when people touch/move around my things. how does a giant box of books go missing? figures the one time i want to read my books again they are missing.
you know what i miss? connection. connection to anything at all. with anyone.. i feel like there is nothing. nothing at all. but don’t worry, i’ll keep moving unfortunately. nothing new about that. it’s just taking me so long to even want to move an inch. it would be nice to hear an ‘i miss you’, but i shouldn’t expect that from a friend… right? fuck it.
so do i wait
what
what do i do
approach the situation when i want to
or wait for others
why do i play these games
the thing is, you don’t know me.. so don’t try to tell me whats best for me. group therapy isn’t for me, i mean i like sitting there and listening to other peoples lives but i have difficulty sharing my own with strangers. i can hardly speak how i feel to people i do know, how do you think talking with people i don’t know will help? and what good is it if you want me to talk about my past? i’m sorry but thats not ho i choose to live my life, dwelling in the past.. its not how i want to be. i’m sorry but i am not an open book and i never will be. i don’t really experience much to even talk about lately so i feel its pointless. i expressed to my mom that i want out of this program because its doing nothing for me.. i just want to go back to seeing my therapist and living my normal life, is that too much to ask? still not on medication and i kind of feel back to myself. still the lingering sadness but i’ve aways had that. hung out with paula and had a catch in the park and went out for pizza.. it was nice getting out of the house for a few hours besides going to work every morning. it just sucks that i really don’t know what to do with myself.. it makes me feel disgusting. i’m disgusted by myself most of the time, and i’ve gotta figure out how to change it. slowly but surely..
so what is this? because i still can’t understand
running fingers through my hair
holding me down
sewing my mouth shut
taunting me
silence
when will it leave
