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had a few weird dreams last night but one stuck out liek a turd in the punch bowl. i was with mr.ingoglia (my old trumpet instructor) and we were about to perform in front of these girls i knew from the high school. we started i played the first line and he began playing his part and then this girl i used to have feelings for called me over and started talking to me. of course i got distracted and ingoglia kept on playing and then he stopped and i started freaking out because i missed all my parts and i ran up the auditorium stairs to the upper floors and started cursing and crying and he followed me to try to calm me down. i went into a room up there and it randomly was like i guess a little shop with snacks and food and things and i just sat on the floor and cried.. and while that happened i looked up and missy elliot was standing right in front of me smiling and she gave me a hug and i complimented the younger boy she was with in a wheel chair on his hat.. then i woke up.
go ahead
yell
scream at me
no one has the right to touch my mail
open my envelopes
so when it happens
i will get fucking angry
go ahead
tell me to get a job
tell me to move out
tell me all this nonsense that i already know
I know i have a lot of things
and yes
they are all over the house
in different rooms
but would you rather me have a pile of shit
in the middle of the living room?
i didn’t think so
i offered to buy a storage unit for my stuff
but you told me not to
offered to put it in the attic
to put it outside in the shed
but no
no
no
stop acting like a curious 3 year old
and don’t touch things that aren’t yours
and start making some sense
jesus woman
i want to be sad again
to the point that i want to go
back to the ward for inspiration
but of course
i won’t
i just
don’t know
love makes you do funny things.
cliche but oh so true.
i’ve loved 3 girls, in the sense that they shared the same feeling.
all as crazy as i, completely different types of people too.
our bodies and mind are good at protecting us.
generalizing and profiling; measuring things is the way we’re programmed to do so. naturally or maybe through generations nurturing such fundamentals. think of how we still view territory and ethnicity. subconsciously as well as consciously. much like that we do with drugs, food, candy, people, water, colors. it reminds us of something. this can go into me explaining how we know everything in the universe, we just get the light bulb to pop and we say “oh, i get it now” a click; like remembering a dream or a black out night after putting the pieces together. but as we generalize, we close doors. which is GREAT in many cases. it’s cool that you know not to delve into such chaotic worlds, substances can take you to; too bad it had to take touching the hot stove once, unknowingly. (doing a hard drug, or any potentially damaging noun or verb) many either go to the extremes of either never doing or never stopping… orrr being closed minded in any way such as an “ONLY WEED IS GOOD”, or any other substances, religions, ideologies and such. nahh mean?
within that i believe you’re more “sane” than any, in the loose interpretation that sane can mean having a collective healthy view that causes no harm to other and helps you progress. but in reality we’re all insane, trying to be sane, trying to be unique, trying to blend in and stand out. we’re paradoxes with bodies and a frontal cortex. it’s amazing.
when i was laced, i felt i went through every negative drug use. i did not feel psychedelic effects though, at all. only the feeling of the ‘crazy hard’ drugs that people stay feeening for.. i felt dead, like they were only downers. but i kept myself up, somehoww. (my[eye], love, kept me around)
tumblr knows most about me, but i hardly make much sense if they dont see it in order. no jail time for me, the most i’ve had was time away from my family (psych 2 1/2 times) i say half because i felt like i wasnt there the one time. the first time i was laced the second, i fell from grace. i fell in love and made some art, sung on some roof tops. i painted love on my roof in their language, still she left me for something else. but ive grown to see someone like that is not for me. only few see how i see, i’m learning things they cannot yet see. without the aide of too many things, my brain picks up odd waves.. my energy levels are crazy and they dont see them, so they like to label me crazy. i’m an artist in an absurd way.. i sing i write i do everything that makes me think. i may not be smart to all, but i love how i see. i just wish people could see my life through me.
2 notes
aawee whitney don't say that if you ever want to hang out let me know. i love to don't feel lonely. i know well we haven't talked like much but if you ever feel lonely come to me. don't feel alone you have a really good friend for life right here. lubsyou! <3
my friend for life, thank you lucy.
1 note
my aunt that just came into my life a few months ago keeps pushing me to go to college in europe
so i sent her this
“you have to understand, i’m not in a position to make a decision to go to school right now. School will ALWAYS be there, I will always have to the chance to go. I will only go when i know I will be serious about it, I’m sorry if that upset you but you can’t keep pushing if it’s not the right time. I do appreciate the little comments and everything but.. it is up to me. I am very very very grateful that you are willing to give me that chance but you have to understand, timing is everything and now is not the right time for me. As for my birthday, I will have to see when is okay because of work and everything. Like I said, Thank you very much, but the more you push it on me, most likely, the more it will go out of my mind. much love. “
i don’t know, i hope she doesnt take it the wrong way, but i’m sorry i wont waste your time if i’m not going to take something seriously
1 note
so much pain
i want o rip my lungs/ribs apart
i cant do much of anything without a sharp piercing pain by my upper right rib
i might have to go back to the doctor/hospital
it only kinda collapsed
but anyway
i’m in a lot of pain
but i’ll get over it
life is weird ya know?
life is just so
alksdhlashdflka
in a good way
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